To Drown and Live Anew

One of the worst ways to die (in my opinion) is by drowning. Your lungs are full of liquid, your limbs are flailing for life, the surface of the water taunts you with light and air just above it's surface. I've never once felt even the nearest sensation to drowning, but my imagination can get a little crazy with the thought.

Water is so mysterious, too. If it's deep then you can't see the bottom, but you know there are predators beneath the surface. Or, at least, slimy scaly things that try to nibble at you and scare you senseless when you're just trying. to. get. to. shore. I have an odd fear of swimming in really deep water because of the unknown beneath my feet. It's frightening, I love it, and I'm scared of it.

And for months now, I've been dwelling heavily on the spiritual idea of drowning.

I drowned today, metaphorically. I went into church and asked the Spirit for discernment. After one song of worship, I immediately felt this presence behind me that I recognized as a strength I feel whenever I paint on stage. The people, the congregation of God, bathing in the Holy Spirit, feel like a gigantic tidal wave behind me. It's so amazing to feel it so tangibly and yet not see it with my eyes. The wave feels like it's suspended right above my head, hovering and waiting. It feels like a mighty wall keeping my back held straight. When I feel the Spirit's presence like that, I feel normal and steady because He is my security.

And today, He did something a little crazy.

It collapsed. My security collapsed.

It was as if someone snapped an invisible thread, and a bucket of cold heavy water slapped onto my skin.

And all of a sudden, I was spiritually drowning.

I gasped for air, I lost my physical balance, and I no longer felt steady or normal. I wrote in my journal, "my body had no meat in it." And that's the best way I can describe the sensation. Whereas before, I was a tangible person with a body; but after the wave collapsed over my head, it was as if all the molecules in my body separated and were suspended by delicate threads inches away from where they were supposed to be. It was as if God tore me apart, to piece me back together.

I started prophesying and praying over others, feeling tears seep out of their eyes. I knelt down to the earth, amazed and entirely humbled.

Today, I realized how much I love to drown. Because when I drown in the Holy Spirit, I become alive. My mortal eyes close and my spiritual senses awaken. My lungs get used to the water, and I can breathe deep of His Spirit.

I drown to breathe anew.

Created as Children of Color

Peace by Marc Chagall. Stained glass.

"These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city."

Hebrews 11.13-16

For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.

I want to hear people speaking like they are seeking a homeland. I want to meet more people who look at more than just the physical earth. I want to be inspired by children of God who laugh and say that there is a city being prepared and that is it their homeland. I want to meet other travelers like me, who know they are merely vagabonds wandering from one realm to another that they have been seeking and desiring.

My Father is preparing a homeland for me, and I am waiting on the shore to see the sails of His ship on the horizon. I don't belong on this island - I belong on His ship, destined for our homeland.

Sometimes we forget to shake off the material nature of this realm. Unfortunately, we get desensitized and acclimated to the gray and we forget that we were created as children of color. Right now, we are in a world of gray. But we weren't lovingly created to be gray!! We are here to eagerly watch the horizon and remember the colors from which we were birthed. Shake off the dust of the gray and seek the heavenly country.

How Christ Defeated Nature's Laws:

Nature is cyclical. She is a never-ending machine that favors no one. We all know this very well; we all are set to die. We all are awaiting a call that tells us a loved one is dead; we are all marching with hearts like muffled drums to the grave. Nature is cyclical, and she waits for no one.

I was born of dust, and to dust I will return. The first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed but only transferred.

My dark brown, curly hair is an energy that was not created but only borrowed from the earth. My fingernails, bitten down and ugly as they are, are fingernails borrowed from the earth. My entire body -- an empty shell -- has a debt to pay back to nature. Physically, I am made up of organic matter that will bend down and let the mud cover itself again, to be renewed sometime in the unforeseen future.

This philosophy is disturbing to humankind. We don't want to be part of a merciless, impersonal machine that never ends but always grinds. Do you know why we believe nature to be cruel? Did you ever stop to consider that animals don't struggle against the cruelty of nature? They don't buy anti-aging creme, they don't gather up riches, they don't strive for fame. Animals don't have souls like humans do; they aren't disturbed by merciless nature.

We are disturbed because we know, deep in our hearts, that every one of us was meant for more than just being a husk blown away in the wind. We were meant for more than to worship something impersonal; indeed, our hearts were designed to worship One who embodies the thought of "personal". God is love. And He loves you. Know that you weren't created to be a faceless, nameless part of a machine. To Him, you are individual, precious, and beloved -- no matter what you might have done, or what you might look like. You are a unique piece of art and God has placed you over His mantle; the highest place of honor.

Nature is cruel in her beauty. Without Christ, we are no better than the husks that cover our souls. Without Christ, I am only a type of animal with dark brown curly hair and bitten-down fingernails. But WITH Christ, I am a human loved by the creator of everything.

It took an immortal being to stoop down and succumb to nature's cycle to be able to make me human.

Isaiah 58

...is such a good chapter. That chapter God put on my heart last night and I've been reading it all day. This is what I want my life to look like. God did not call me for a life of only humility, but a life of offering all I have to others. That is my passion because that was Christ's passion. I will deny myself for the exaltation of my lowly brothers.

Today has been fulfilling so far. I cried in my last great text class. My professor is an amazing man of God. One of my friends in the class asked after his lecture, "How should we live?"

He smiled at her, and his eyes began to tear up. "My reply to that is not my own, you should know. What I'm about to say are the words of Christ to his disciples. 'Man should not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.'"

I saw the look in his eyes and I knew he was speaking through the Spirit. And so I cried at the beauty of it all; of having a spiritual professor who spoke truth to me twice a week. God, I am so grateful for that man.

He spoke today about Christian artists; our calling, our art, our culture. Lately I've been really hating postmodernist culture in America; it's focus on self, self, self, self, self, experience of self, moments of self, reflection on self, expression of self. It's sickening how much selfishness is rampant in our generation and our culture. Especially in the arts. My professor said that denying the culture and showing Truth in it's purest form is the moral duty of Christian artists. I looked over to my friend Chloe who is an art major, and I grinned and said something like, "Isn't that just perfect? My whole life I've wanted to go against culture. Now I'm told it's my moral duty as a Christian artist to stand up against culture and show it the face of truth!" and we both got excited.

So now I'm seriously reflecting on the art I've created and how it relates to God. And I'm contemplating future projects and how they correspond to showing God's Truth to postmodernity. It's my moral duty; my beloved obligation and occupation.

As an artist, I strive not to express myself. I strive instead to stand and point with all my strength towards the One who gives me life abundantly. With all I am, I will proclaim that I am nothing and that He is all, and that all glory belongs to Him, and Him alone.

I can't think of any better way to show Truth to a culture devoted to self.

God's done it again.

Excerpt from an "introspection session" I wrote down on May 17, 2010.

"I need to know Jesus Christ more personally. The Holy Spirit, as well. Months ago, I had a very brief dream of standing on a warm, wooden boat. Across from me stood Jesus; he was a worn-looking man. He bent over to pick up a block of wood and a hammer. He then looked up at me, and asked for my help. My dream ended right there. I want to know this man, who needs my help. I want to help him, I really do. But I don’t know a thing about building boats – whatever metaphor that might mean. But he has started a work, and he’s asking for my help in completing it. As I wrote down this last sentence, I’m struck with the idea that maybe he has been working in the Acts arts ministry and he’s asking for my help there. My insecurities about prophetic arts are my insecurities about building a boat – I feel unprepared. Is Jesus asking me to just jump in? I think so. I believe so. Father, prepare me. I think that my journey into the prophetic arts will bring me closer and closer to Jesus. Father, tell me what to do. Holy Spirit, guide my hands as I paint. Guide my thoughts to you constantly. I pray that these sessions of introspection help develop what I paint. Jesus, tell me what to do and where to go. I want to love you, and I want to help you in what you’re doing. I want to be reassured that all of this is real and not something I’m imagining. I’m so scared of waking up in a box of my own making. But you are a God of love; something completely different than any other religious god ever created by man. Even if I do wake up in a box, at least my time spent will not be entirely wasted. May my art do what it is meant to do in your will and your path for my life and for the lives of others around me. Even if it means painting scenes of my own desolation; of my own insecurity, of my own pain, of my own doubts; let all I have glorify you. "

God is good. Seriously. I was struggling hardcore with the new concept of prophesy and whether to trust it or not. But as evidenced by this excerpt, I just jumped in because I was so sick of thinking about every detail. And now look at me. I'm in love with Jesus. I paint every time I worship (with or without canvas and paint). Life has never been more beautiful and I've never felt more relaxed and happy and fulfilled.

Wovenhand - Orchard Gate

Orchard Gate

....
At the orchard gate today
Was that tomorrow
Istenem
Make a fire
Kiss your heart
Risha
Arabic for feather

....
In this way my love
Whispers to me
Warm, beloved and still
In this way my love
Come to me

....
In a language of two hands
This
A strange poetry

....
She is turning
Turning in
From all the temples of old
From all the holds
In which its stowed
Turning into gold

....
In his way through
A sacred dimension
Not by might
Not by power
By his spirit
His loving intention

Further Up, Further In

Meditation time yesterday was awesome.
I was listening to cello music and meditating on the music and it felt like I was back at the Shire -- that kind of music just inspired my imagination to jump to the Shire. And all of a sudden, I was. I was standing in the midst of my favorite field at night, walking steadily through the grass barefoot, towards the moon. As I was walking, I felt a star fall above me, and it's brightness enveloped me. Not only did it cover me, it kept an unbroken line between me and the star in the sky. I kept walking, but I noticed other figures sprouting up around me; other people in my life. One by one, they were enveloped by their own falling star's bluish-white light.
While meditating, I lazily wondered what the falling star could mean. With a jolt, I broke out of meditation with the idea of the Biblical character Abraham in my head. The age-old covenant: "I will make your descendants greater than the stars..."
I am promised to God's ancient covenant with Abraham, my ancestor. I am a descendant of Abraham, bought through the covenant blood of Christ. I am one of the stars in the sky, walking steadily towards the moon (in my little mind the moon represents Christ) with fellow brothers and sisters.
What a beautiful God we share, brothers and sisters. Let's continue walking in the solid comfort of the covenant of Christ. Further up, further in!