To Drown and Live Anew

One of the worst ways to die (in my opinion) is by drowning. Your lungs are full of liquid, your limbs are flailing for life, the surface of the water taunts you with light and air just above it's surface. I've never once felt even the nearest sensation to drowning, but my imagination can get a little crazy with the thought.

Water is so mysterious, too. If it's deep then you can't see the bottom, but you know there are predators beneath the surface. Or, at least, slimy scaly things that try to nibble at you and scare you senseless when you're just trying. to. get. to. shore. I have an odd fear of swimming in really deep water because of the unknown beneath my feet. It's frightening, I love it, and I'm scared of it.

And for months now, I've been dwelling heavily on the spiritual idea of drowning.

I drowned today, metaphorically. I went into church and asked the Spirit for discernment. After one song of worship, I immediately felt this presence behind me that I recognized as a strength I feel whenever I paint on stage. The people, the congregation of God, bathing in the Holy Spirit, feel like a gigantic tidal wave behind me. It's so amazing to feel it so tangibly and yet not see it with my eyes. The wave feels like it's suspended right above my head, hovering and waiting. It feels like a mighty wall keeping my back held straight. When I feel the Spirit's presence like that, I feel normal and steady because He is my security.

And today, He did something a little crazy.

It collapsed. My security collapsed.

It was as if someone snapped an invisible thread, and a bucket of cold heavy water slapped onto my skin.

And all of a sudden, I was spiritually drowning.

I gasped for air, I lost my physical balance, and I no longer felt steady or normal. I wrote in my journal, "my body had no meat in it." And that's the best way I can describe the sensation. Whereas before, I was a tangible person with a body; but after the wave collapsed over my head, it was as if all the molecules in my body separated and were suspended by delicate threads inches away from where they were supposed to be. It was as if God tore me apart, to piece me back together.

I started prophesying and praying over others, feeling tears seep out of their eyes. I knelt down to the earth, amazed and entirely humbled.

Today, I realized how much I love to drown. Because when I drown in the Holy Spirit, I become alive. My mortal eyes close and my spiritual senses awaken. My lungs get used to the water, and I can breathe deep of His Spirit.

I drown to breathe anew.